


just look at all that pain (come on and feel that shame)

by gentlelogic



Series: fem!sides verse [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (just at the very end), F/F, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Guilt, Sex Jokes, Trauma, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27518029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlelogic/pseuds/gentlelogic
Summary: Virgil felt tears building up in her own eyes. "You're not a leech, Roman.""Then what the fuck am I?""My girlfriend! Who I care about more than anything in the whole world!" Virgil choked on a sob. "I don't expect you to magically get better; that’s not fucking realistic, man. This takes time.""When is it going to get better though?" Roman snapped, voice raising. "When? I don't know how to make it better."or.Roman’s mom texts her. it goes about as well as you’d expect.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: fem!sides verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683106
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	just look at all that pain (come on and feel that shame)

Virgil woke up to the sound of something tumbling onto the floor from the closet and a string of curses that sounded suspiciously like her girlfriend. She blinked blearily and sat up, watching Roman across the room. Roman was clutching her phone with the flashlight on, gazing helplessly at a pile of shoes and jackets that had fallen out of the closet. She was wearing a big red sweatshirt and no pants, which would have been insanely attractive if Virgil didn't notice that Roman was trembling like a leaf, legs barely keeping her upright.

"Babe?" Virgil asked from the bed. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to not give Roman any sort of a warning beforehand, because upon hearing Virgil’s voice, she flinched so hard that she dropped her phone and let out another string of impressive curses as the room shut itself into darkness.

Virgil flicked on the lamp beside the bed and stood up, walking over to Roman who was now crouched on the ground, grabbing for her phone.

"I'm sorry for startling you," Virgil said. She frowned at the lack of a reply, watching carefully as Roman pulled her phone to her chest as if hugging it. Her breathing was erratic, and she was still trembling. Her hair was a mess and Virgil could tell Roman had been running her hands through the frizzy, tangled curls.

"Hey. Let's… Let's breathe," Virgil tried, reaching out and setting a hand on Roman's shoulder.

Roman finally met her eyes and Virgil almost flinched back at how much fear was in her expression.

"I think I need to go to the hospital," Roman choked out between gasps.

"Why?"

"I think I'm having a heart attack."

Virgil's heart clenched and a lump grew in her throat. "How about we just try to take some deep breaths first?"

Roman nodded shakily. Virgil dropped her hands, palms facing upward in between her and Roman as she exaggerated taking deep, slow breaths. Roman grasped her hands, mimicking the breathing until she was breathing a bit closer to normal and the shaking had dropped to a minimum. Slowly, she tugged herself under Virgil's arms and buried her face into Virgil's chest, letting out a nervous huff of laughter.

"That was so dramatic. I'm sorry."

Virgil ran slow, soft strokes over Roman's hair and tried to calm her own racing heart down. "You don't need to be sorry. Panic attacks can be very scary."

Roman didn't reply, breathing deeply into Virgil's t-shirt.

"What triggered it?" Virgil asked softly. Roman tensed and Virgil kept the stroking motions, trying as best as she could to communicate nonverbally to Roman that she wasn't judging her and was willing to listen.

"Promise you won't get mad?"

Virgil frowned. "It would be pretty hard to make me mad at you right now, Ro."

Roman pulled her face away from Virgil's chest and sat up, grabbing the phone that she had set aside a moment ago. She tapped the screen a couple of times, then handed it over to Virgil. Virgil took it and glanced at the screen: it was a texting conversation with one single message from Roman's mom at 11:30 P.M.:

_"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality."_

Virgil felt a lead weight drop into her stomach, making her feel queasy. "You didn't block her."

Roman shook her head, lip trembling. "I'm sorry, Virgil; I should have weeks ago when you told me to, but I--"

"You don't need to apologize to me, Ro. It's… hard. I can't even imagine."

Virgil watched in alarm as tears welled up in Roman's eyes, dropping down her cheeks. "Fuck, how aren't you sick of this?"

"Sick of what?"

Roman took a shaky breath. "Me! It's midnight and I woke you up having a stupid panic attack--"

"It’s not stupid--"

"--over one Bible verse I've heard from her a million times. I'm leeching off your time, your efforts-- going to therapy that isn't even making me better--" Roman took a shuddering breath. "I'm not worth the effort.

Virgil felt tears building up in her own eyes. "You're not a leech, Roman."

"Then what the fuck am I?"

"My girlfriend! Who I care about more than anything in the whole world!" Virgil choked on a sob. "I don't expect you to magically get better; that’s not fucking realistic, man. This takes time."

"When is it going to get better though?" Roman snapped, voice raising. "When? I don't know how to make it better."

"Roman--"

"When do I get to forget about it and _move the fuck on_?" Roman suddenly looked horrified, placing a hand over her mouth. "I'm yelling. Oh my God."

"It's okay," Virgil choked out, even though it wasn't; she was crying, Roman was crying, and everything was such a big mess that she felt as if her heart was going to explode in her chest.

Roman shook her head vigorously. "That's childish and cruel behavior; I can't-- I'm so sorry."

Virgil took a deep breath. "I forgive you. For yelling."

Roman stared at Virgil for a long moment before slowly nodding. "Second chance?"

"Of course," Virgil said.

Roman took a shaky breath. "I feel like I am burdening you sometimes. I feel like I should have made some progress by now."

"You have," Virgil said. "You've made so much progress, Ro. Just because you're still dealing with your trauma and are affected by it doesn't mean you haven't made any progress."

The two were quiet for a long moment. Then: "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"I told you I forgive you."

"My dad would yell like that," Roman whispered. "I don't want to ever do that-- make you feel small like I used to when he'd do it."

Virgil closed the space between them again, hugging Roman tightly. Roman melted almost instantly, wrapping her arms around Virgil's stomach so tightly that it took Virgil's breath away for a second.

"You recognized a toxic behavior," Virgil began softly, "and immediately put a stop to it and apologized. That's good and I am so proud of you." Roman sniffled and Virgil ran her hands over Roman's back. "You wanna try to lay back down now?"

Roman nodded, pulling away and gazing at the mess from the closet.

"We can get it in the morning," Virgil said.

Roman snorted. "That's a dangerous game."

Virgil shrugged with a small grin as she crawled back into bed. Roman came in after her, settling under Virgil's arms, once again hiding her face in Virgil's chest.

"Hey, Ro?"

"Hm?"

"Why were you in the closet anyhow?"

Roman was quiet for a long moment, then said, "You're gonna laugh."

"Why would I laugh?"

"I started panicking and I-- I wanted to find one of your hoodies. They make me feel safe."

Virgil, overwhelmed suddenly with so much love for her cheesy girlfriend, cupped Roman's face and gently pressed a kiss to her cheek, which was incredibly warm from what Virgil assumed was embarrassment. "You could've woken me up. I wouldn't have minded."

"So, if it, hypothetically…" Roman swallowed. "If I, say, had another panic attack-- it would be okay to wake you up if I can't calm myself down?"

Virgil ran her thumb over Roman's cheek, sighing into the dark. "Even if you can calm yourself down and just want somebody to be with you, you can wake me up. Even if you’re not having a panic attack and you’re just having a hard time… you can wake me up."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, you sappy shit."

Roman laughed, shoving Virgil playfully. "You're a jerk."

"A jerk who you just said you loved."

"I take it back."

"You can't take it back, Miss Romana."

Virgil couldn't see, but she knew Roman was rolling her eyes as she laughed. "Please. I don't need another person in this apartment calling me Romana. Logan does it enough for all of us."

"What if I called you… Roman _o_?" Virgil asked innocently.

"You're not as funny as you think."

Virgil grinned, then sobered up a bit, gently tugging Roman closer. "About your mom though…" Roman didn't say anything, so Virgil went on. "I'm not your boss. And I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to… But I do think it's a good idea to block her."

Roman was still quiet.

"I just wanna hear your thoughts, Ro. Whatever’s going on in your head."

"She's my mom, Virge," Roman whispered, voice cracking.

"I know," Virgil said softly. "But she upsets you so much. I'm not saying that's not valid; I'm saying there's a way to avoid that, to an extent."

Roman was quiet again, then shuffled impossibly closer to Virgil.

"I've been talking to my therapist about it. Cognitive dissonance. Part of me knows what my mom is saying is wrong," Roman said. "But another part of me believes it wholeheartedly-- that I am an abomination and I'm going to hell for who I am."

Virgil stifled down her defensiveness and arguments: it was the last thing Roman needed in that moment.

"It makes me feel like such a bad person that I can't even be proud of who I am. I constantly feel guilty for feeling happy and good and safe. I'm not living some horrible sinful lifestyle like my mom makes it seem, but I sometimes _feel_ like I am anyway. It's so twisted in my head, Virgil, I can't stand it."

Virgil felt that all-too-familiar lump rising in her throat that she got every time Roman started talking about the shame she felt. Virgil knew she was lucky; her parents had always been supportive, if not a little ignorant at times. And Logan had always been adamant about LGBTQ+ advocacy and normalizing it, internally and externally. Virgil had felt ostracized at times. Even embarrassed of her identity. But there wasn't that deep-rooted shame and internalized homophobia that constantly stuck around like Roman had to deal with.

"You deserve," Virgil cleared her throat after it came out wobbly. "You deserve to feel happy and good and safe. You're not doing anything wrong or sinful by being in a happy relationship. Your mom's opinion doesn't get to take that away from you. Ever."

"I don't know how I'm the happiest I've ever been, but somehow at my worst at the same time," Roman said with a laugh.

"Delayed trauma response," Virgil recited, remembering Logan explaining it to her a week ago when Roman had come home from a therapy appointment, locked herself in the bedroom, and started sobbing. "You're finally in a safe enough place to start processing the trauma you've gone through. It’s not easy to do that."

Roman let out a slow sigh. "I'm glad I have you."

"I'm glad too."

Roman's hands fumbled around until they hit her phone and the screen illuminated her face. Virgil watched as she tapped a few times, then set the phone aside.

"I blocked her."

"I'm so proud of you," Virgil said.

Roman squirmed until her arms were wrapped around Virgil and she snuggled into her chest, looping her legs around Virgil's. Virgil remained still, listening to Roman's breathing even out, until she was softly snoring against her. Virgil smirked and flipped onto her back, grabbing her phone and flicking on the screen to see one notification from Logan.

**Logan:** Is everything all right in there?

Virgil glanced down at Roman, curled into her side, sound asleep, and smiled.

**Virgil:** Everything's okay. <3 Think we made some progress tonight.

**Logan:** I am glad to hear that.

**Logan:** Sleep well.

**Virgil:** Hey, what are you doing up anyway? Did we wake you?

**Logan:** No.

**Logan:** Remy texted me.

**Virgil:** Yeah, so?

**Logan:** He requested to meet with me tomorrow.

**Virgil:** …meet?

**Logan:** "Meet" as in… a date.

**Virgil:** o.o

**Virgil:** alright, man, GET that dick

**Logan:** Stop it.

**Virgil:**

You, on your way to get that dick.

**Logan:** You are not funny.

**Virgil:** Yes I am.

**Virgil:** That Samsung Dickwasher spin cycle 1,000

**Logan:** Goodnight, Virgil.

**Virgil:** gn :)

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated. <3 
> 
> tumblr; @princelogical


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